What weighed on our parents’ hearts, and what they gave us
A study on second-generation Southeast Asian Americans found that children of refugees can inherit their parents’ fears and silence, and also their strengths.
In one family’s old apartment, the father had nailed the windows shut and installed a dozen locks on the front door, so many that guests could not easily let themselves out. The son who grew up there described his parents as seeing the world as distrustful and impossible to live in (Huynh et al., 2024).
He was one of 15 people interviewed for a study published in 2024 (Huynh et al., 2024). Each individual was born in the United States to parents or grandparents who came from Vietnam, Cambodia, or Laos, mostly as refugees from the wars in their homeland. Through 60 to 90 minute interviews, the researchers asked how each person’s family history had shaped their lives, and what had helped them find healing and strength.
Some expressed heaviness in what was passed down from the older generation. Many participants grew up hearing about their parents’ survival stories: war, surviving in refugee camps, losing family members. Others shared how their parents struggled to express their feelings, either saying nothing at all or letting strong emotions out all at once. Some took on adult roles early as children. One woman described having to discipline her younger siblings for their parents, as language barriers kept her immigrant parents from communicating clearly (Huynh et al., 2024).
Which of your family’s stories were shared out loud, and which did you learn from the silences around them?
While the interviews highlighted the effects of intergenerational trauma, another thread held just as strongly. Participants also spoke about honoring their parents’ sacrifices through their education and career aspirations. One woman’s father stopped speaking to her for a year after she turned down an opportunity to join a military academy. The father forgave her when she was admitted to graduate school. She wanted to let him know that their family had not failed. Others found strength through mentors, like a teacher who handed over a book about the Khmer Rouge, and many turned what they carried into purpose, from writing stories to counseling to community work (Huynh et al., 2024).
Research on intergenerational trauma has often focused on what goes wrong. The findings from this study suggest resilience can travel through families as well. The languages, values, and ways of surviving that parents pass on can become an inheritance their children may build on. As one participant put it, Southeast Asian communities in America don’t do “enough celebrating” of their food, language, and culture that hold profound richness and beauty (Huynh et al., 2024).
This study was conducted with a small sample, mostly individuals in their twenties living in the San Francisco Bay Area, so each story shared may not speak for every family. In Vietnam and in the diaspora, many families hold their own unique memories of war and hard years after that period. A grandmother who keeps far more rice in the house than anyone needs may be holding both: the fear of going without, and the know-how that once kept a family fed during challenging times.
What has weighed on your family’s heart that you would like to set down, and what would you like to keep?
Reference
Huynh, A., Yeh, C. J., & Tang, P. (2024). Intergenerational trauma and resilience among second-generation Southeast Asian Americans. Asian American Journal of Psychology, 15(2), 158–172. https://doi.org/10.1037/aap0000343
