When love and duty pull in different directions
A study of adult children in Vietnam found that most cared for their parents out of closeness, while obligations rooted in obedience divided opinions far more.
“Trẻ cậy cha, già cậy con.” When we are young, we rely on our parents; when we grow old, we rely on our children. The proverb expresses a promise of care that flows both ways, with “cha” standing in for both parents (Mai & Le, 2024). Underneath this proverb sits a question many adult children may carry quietly: what do we owe our parents, and what happens when giving it may cost a part of ourselves?
Researchers often describe “filial piety,” or “hiếu thảo,” in two types. The first type, which they call “reciprocal” filial piety, is care based on closeness; it grows from genuine affection for parents, like checking on their health or talking with them to understand how they feel. The second type, which they call "authoritarian" filial piety, is care based on duty or obligation; following parents’ wishes because they are older, even if it may cost one’s own wants and desires (Mai & Le, 2024).
A team at the Institute of Psychology in Hanoi surveyed 385 adults, around 40 years old on average, from urban and rural areas of Hanoi and Huế. Participants answered questions about both types of filial care, and how happy they felt their families were (Mai & Le, 2024).
Care based on closeness was nearly universal for the participants. Being grateful to parents for raising them, and hurrying home if a parent had passed, however far away, were among the most strongly endorsed. Care from duty or obligation was far less agreed upon. Statements like letting parents manage one’s income before marriage, giving up one’s own aspirations, or avoiding marriage to someone their parents disliked received more mixed answers (Mai & Le, 2024). For many, these statements were where love for parents and a sense of one’s own life pulled in different directions.
Is there something your family expects of you that you feel conflicted about?
Both types of filial care were associated with how happy the participants felt their families were, with care from closeness being the stronger link. The authors viewed filial piety, especially care from closeness, as an important foundation for family happiness in Vietnamese society. However, because this was a one-time survey of adult children, the research cannot show that filial duty creates happiness, or what duty costs the person carrying it. Other research the authors had reviewed also highlighted those costs; with care based on obedience being linked to less independence, and to symptoms of depression in young people (Pan & Tang, 2021, as cited in Mai & Le, 2024).
Many people may hold duty and hurt together. Caring for a parent, and caring for yourself can belong within the same relationship. For some, care may also require distance or limits, held with a hope that things may one day be lighter and gentler in their relationship to their parents.
What does your family ask of you, and what do you need in return?
Author: An Huỳnh
Reference
Mai, V. H., & Le, V. H. (2024). The interdependence of happiness and filial piety within the family: A study in Vietnam. Health Psychology Report, 12(2), 124–132. https://doi.org/10.5114/hpr/172091
